Thesis Updates!

My thesis adviser already warned me. She gave me a warning and I did not listen. She already told me that I would not be able to finish my thesis because I was enrolled into too many subjects last semester (I overloaded, which I would never do again). Deadlines and other course requirements left me no time to write my thesis.

Thus, I enrolled again this midyear–13 June 2017 to 15 July 2017. I only have 25 days to create a thesis proposal because I was officially enrolled on 21 July. I know. 25 days. Cry with me.

Still, I am believing and trusting the Lord that I can do this through Him because I already have 8 hours a day to work on my beloved thesis. (Please do not distract me Happy Sandwich Cafe).

So for the duration of my #ThesisIt moments, I deactivated my Facebook and Twitter accounts, so that I can have additional sprinkles of illusions of productivity (which I think sometimes still renders meaningless because I rant on Instagram Story).

 

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Think of Happy Thoughts

I’ve been feeling really stressed these days. Missed deadlines. Missed quizzes. Failed exams. Allowance shortages. Unpaid bills. Irritating schoolmates. I just cant help but to succumb to weakness and hopelessness whenever I try to think of all these things that bother me. Sometimes, I feel as if the whole world is upon my shoulders and I can’t do anything about it.

But I can do something about it. Our problems, our fears, our doubts.

In our CMSC2 (Introduction to the Internet) class, our professor made us think of the greatest problem we faced, or a scary experience, and asked us to write it on a piece of paper. On the back side of the paper,we were tasked to put what we had learned about this experience. (Yes, I know that our CMSC2 class looked like some sort of self-discovery class haha) Anyway, I wrote an experience when I was only 7 years old and my aunt locked me in a dark, unused comfort room filled with bugs, and cockroaches and other gross stuff a 7 year old wouldn’t want to see. Why was I even locked in the first place? Well, I made my younger brother eat chili. What? I was curious why they wouldn’t let us eat chili! I had no idea why I put that in my paper. Nevertheless, it was a scary and a crazy experience. I was only seven that time. That 7-year old experience made me realize that I should never force chili on someone. (That’s what I wrote on the back of my paper) And as I continue to grow up, I developed more fears and more experiences. As I grew up, I gained different perspectives that changed me as a person. That experience I had 8 years ago, was nothing compared to what I have now or to the experiences that I will have in the future. But these experiences, these fears and these doubts will transform us into better people. We might not know it, but these things help us look beyond ourselves and make us realize what we’re lacking.

Maybe that failed Math exam’s telling you to “Study harder” or that painful heartbreak’s telling you, “He’s/She’s not the right one for you” or whatever circumstance you’re facing right now, maybe it’s telling you to “Do better.”

Failing hurts and failing is hard to accept. Fears, well, they are scary. And problems, well sometimes we don’t want to do anything about them. But why don’t we just try to sit down, relax and think of how these failures will transform us into better people. After all, everything happens for a reason.

Thoughts

No matter how hard I try to see things here, I feel incomplete. I feel like how much effort I put into something, my works are like mud displayed in a glass window next to exquisite, pompous jewelry for everyone to laugh at.

It’s been a month and a half since I moved here in the university and my mind can’t exactly comprehend how surreal for a person like me to be here. I am like a person who dared to be in wilderness with nothing but her non-existent “guts”.

Being in this campus made me realize a lot of things, personally and intellectually. First, I realized how completely alone I am. How completely alone it is to frequently eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with no one. How completely alone it feels to see your roommates so close to each other and you’re the cock blocker. How completely alone it feels to miss your family in every single moment as you keep your tears from falling when they call you and say they miss you too with the same intensity as you have.

I do have “some” friends and bloc mates who talk to me, but I can put my finger in it that I do not belong with them. They’re like brightly multicolored little rays of sunshine that I positively can’t relate to. They form in groups and whenever there’s this guidance instruction class or activity (I don’t know what they call them), I feel like I’m being tossed outside the caste system. I miss my friends back in high school, call me stupid or whatever for not moving on, but I really do miss them. It would be such great exhilaration to walk on these grounds with them by my side.

Second, I can’t always be the best in here, even in my own craft, the craft I self-proclaimed sharpened in the past 15 years. I can’t believe that the “craft” I’ve been worked hard for so long, and trusted for so long, would fail me in here. I’ve always longed to shatter my professors’ or my peers’ sanity due to my random contemplation, yet my heart feels nothing but complete laceration and I wish I knew what could recuperate it.

I think my mind imposes tricks on me and I even wonder if I’m in the right track taking this course I study right now. It would be totally impractical, foolish and purely stupid to base my reaction on this course just because I failed few (I think, most) of my journal entries. Moreover, I feel like I’m the only person in the class who does not relate with whatever boring things the professor is saying.

Today, I still haven’t opened my journal entry to see what  grade my professor gave me. I feel terrified as if a monster might pop-out of the pages because of my monstrous score.

I know some people won’t necessarily get my point, but believing that you can do something excellent in something then suddenly fail isn’t actually encouraging. Well, what can I expect they say expecting hurts more than failing.

I believe I can still do better, and with the constructive criticism my professors provide aiming to get the best out of our heads, I can be something greater and I can aspire higher than what I can do right now. I.really.hope.so. I am still looking forward for my Rapunzel moment and say, “My life finally begins.”